Thoughts on Grieving the Loss of a Pet Long-Term

Next month will mark one year since Casper died. Casper was our first dog together, an old brindle gray, black, and white pit bull we adopted from the West LA Shelter when he was probably about 8 years old. We had just under three years with him, and those years changed our lives forever. We have a huge painting of him in our house that Grace commissioned for me as a gift while Casper was still alive, and Grace always says to our other dogs, Casper is the only dog that gets a painting. He started it all.

A few weeks after Casper died, I wrote this post about fear and anxious thoughts after losing a pet suddenly. It is actually one of the posts that I've gotten the most emails about, and I was thinking that it would be worthwhile to post an update on how I'm feeling. SO much has changed since Casper died. We've adopted not one but two new dogs, we got engaged, we moved in together and made a home in our little house in West Hollywood, and honestly, life is good. I don't post much at all on this blog, or on IG or anywhere else, about continuing to grieve Casper because, well, it's not easily explained and doesn't feel right to solicit sympathy months and months after the fact. Without any ill-intention, people do expect you to move on. 

That being said, I know that the loss of a pet can stay with you for a long time (and really, forever), so I just wanted to write this post to say that you are not alone if you're not "over" the loss of a pet! I also want to share a little bit of my feelings in case anyone reading this is just now experiencing the loss of a pet and is wondering how they might be handling it in several months. Of course, everyone's way of processing is different, but here's how I feel a little less than a year out:

I still sometimes, out of the blue, feel like a shot of ice water floods my veins remembering losing Casper and the fact that he's not physically on earth any more. Random little things can make me feel this way. Recently, on the first day of spring this year, I just had this sick feeling of time being relentless, of another season without Casper, and how spring was the last season we had with him. Last fall, when I went through a couple of months of the worst anxiety I'd ever felt, I remember crying my eyes out and thinking that Casper had never seen me in such a dark season, and he would have protected me from this. I know this all sounds like TOTAL crazy dog lady stuff, but Casper was like my little baby and my big brother all at once. Without him, I would (and sometimes still do) project hard feelings onto his absence and feel like I would "feel better" if only he was still here with me.

One of the most persistent, unbearable thoughts I had after Casper died is imagining my life stretched out in front of me--decades and decades, if I'm lucky--and never seeing Casper's face again in all that time. Being an old lady, still lonely from missing my first baby (and I have a huge lump in my throat typing this). Feeling like his exact features and quirks would become a distant memory is too painful to dwell on. 

One thing that I think less and less about is the actual day he died. I grappled with a lot of trauma after that day, but that has subsided. Though I realize this post is probably coming across as BEYOND extra if you're not as much of a dog person as I am, Casper's death was nonetheless very traumatic for me. He literally died in my arms, in the back of Grace's car in the middle of nowhere, and I held his (80-pound) body for two hours before we could reach our vet to get him cremated. It happened so fast--only three days from the first sign of illness (after which we immediately took him to the vet, but they said he was okay for the time being)--and only about an hour where he was actually dying. I had never witnessed any death before that, except maybe a bug or something. So this was huge for me. I'd had family members and family pets die, but I'd never been there. After we took Casper to be cremated, Grace and I went home alone and just cried beside each other for so long. I felt like we were so impossibly tiny, and that the huge powers of life and death had just ripped through us and left us like little leaves blowing in the wind. I have never felt more drained. I replayed what had happened thousands of times in my head, and I had to tell the story to so many people who were as shocked by his sudden death as we were. But actually, telling it helped. It got easier each time. And writing it out was so healing. So even though I felt like I would never get my strength back after what happened, I of course have.

Lastly, I am definitely okay. And if you've lost a pet, or are worried about losing one in the future, you will be okay too! It's a bit overwhelming to think about losing either of my current dogs, because as this post shows I'm not done grieving Casper . . . so I don't know how I could handle going through another loss. But, I know I could. Also, my best advice is to adopt another dog or two as soon as you can :)

If you're going through this, hang in there!

Q & A With Grace

Hi everyone! As you might have seen on my Instagram, we are now less than 100 days out from our wedding! I'm feeling all kinds of sentimental these days and relishing this season of dating/engagement that is about to come to an end (to make way for the best chapter of all). We are almost all done with our premarital counseling, so I feel like we know each other better than ever and have really gone over the ins and outs of our relationship, dreams, goals, personalities, etc. With that in mind, and in response to questions I got in my reader survey from a few months back, I thought it would be fun to do a little Q&A with Grace on our relationship. We answered the questions separately and then I pasted them into this post, so we weren't influenced by the other person's answers. Enjoy!

Do you remember the first thing you said to one another?

G: I don't remember the first thing we said to one another, but I do remember the first time we saw each other. We were in a class so it was probably our names.

E: Yes, I remember the first second I saw Grace and exactly what we both said. It was December 2012. I walked into a pre-semester meeting for a new class we were both signed up for in the coming spring (also side note what was wrong with that professor?! Having a meeting before the semester started? That's not right, haha). Grace was there already, which looking back is funny because I'm usually more on time than she is. I'm pretty sure she was wearing purple sweatpants. The professor was going around and asking where people were from, and when I found out Grace was from Belgium, I asked why she didn't have an accent or if she was faking an American accent. COOL. That's not weirdly judgmental or nosy at all... Then Grace put on a perfect French/Belgian accent and started talking like that to show she could do both (she's very interesting in that Belgian people can't tell she's a native English speaker and Americans would never guess she's also a native French (Belgian) speaker).

What is your favorite quality about each other?

G: Lizzie goes above and beyond to make the people in her life feel special. She never forgets a birthday, and can't wait to throw you a dinner party. She's also a great listener. She will be as attentive to friends going through a rough patch, as she will to me complaining about the Hellraiser franchise.

E: If I had to pick one, I would probably pick Grace's easygoing, trusting perspective on life. Even though we both get the blues every now and then or get anxious about something specific, Grace is SO good at keeping perspective, not sweating the small stuff, and snapping me out of it if I'm ever in a spiral of worrying or negative thinking. Grace really does trust that it will all work out in any given situation, which is such a good quality for me to be around.

Who said I love you first?

G: I did. I was waking up from a nap and it just came out.

E: Grace did, a month after we started dating, right after waking up from a nap.

Who is the messiest?

G: She is. I'm not kidding. That's the gag of the season.

E: Me, which is SO CRAZY because I never in a million years thought I'd marry someone cleaner than I am. I am pretty clean, I probably clean the house a couple times a week and generally like things to be tidy. But Grace will not sleep if even one thing is out of place. It's kind of fun being the "messier" one, because I never imagined that could be the case.

What is something people don't know about your (soon to be) spouse?

G: She has just as many weird voices and characters as I do. Ask her about The Yukon Shrew.

E: This is hard, because I feel like Grace is a pretty open book. I guess I would say one thing that some people might not realize is how sensitive Grace can be. People might guess that I'd be the main one needing a shoulder to cry on or getting hurt feelings easily, but I'd say it's about equal between us.

Do you ever fight?

G: Not really. We disagree plenty, we are very different people. But we don't get into fights with each other.

E: No, we've never had a fight. I don't say that as a way of bragging or a badge of honor, it's just true. I don't think fighting means you're necessarily in a bad relationship. It's just not in either of our personalities to fight. We've raised issues with each other and had tough discussions every now and then, but we've always gotten over it within 5 minutes. Grace is so so forgiving and humble, she would never make me try to earn forgiveness if I did something to bruise her feelings. She just forgives and truly moves on and never brings it up again.

Between the two of you, who would you generally say is the money spender and who is the money saver?

G: Lizzie is great with saving and budgeting. We both like to splurge, but I would say I can be more of a spender than her.

E: We have actually been talking about this a lot lately in premarital counseling, because I know that financial struggles are one of the biggest sources of conflict with newlyweds (so we want to address it beforehand!) I would say that we're both generally savers who have no problem with treating ourselves and choosing nice things when it matters. For instance, when we were furnishing our first house together, we rarely made decisions based solely on price and finding the cheapest option--we made decisions based on how long things would last, the quality, and whether they fit our style and would be something we'd be proud to have in our home together. Same with our wedding and honeymoon. These things happen once in a lifetime so it's just not worth skimping for the sake of skimping. I also really cringe at being cheap when you don't have to be. So I guess we're practical people, with a touch of champagne taste :) But for daily decisions and ongoing payments, we try to be frugal and wise, and we have some exciting goals for how much money we want to save as newlyweds. I trust Grace completely; we are combining our money into a joint bank account asap after we're married and I have no worries at all about doing that. 

Who takes longer to get ready?

G: Me because I change my outfit at least 3 times before deciding on anything.

E: I think usually Grace, but we might be tied. Neither of us takes long to get ready. 

What was your first road trip together?

G: I think it was to Kern River. My first camping trip too!

E: A weeklong trip in summer 2015 from Sonoma (Northern California wine country) to San Diego. We slept under the stars, had a private tour and tasting at a hilltop winery all to ourselves, played on the beach with Casper in Big Sur, saw Joshua Tree for the first time, fell in love with Pismo Beach (which we'd never heard of previously), treated ourselves to a night at the Ojai Valley Inn and Spa, and started a lifelong hobby together of road tripping with dogs.

*Note--Grace is right, Kern was our first road trip... I was thinking along the lines of a multi-part trip I guess.

What part of your wedding day are you most excited for?

G: I'm excited for all of it - but I'm especially excited to celebrate the day with some dear friends and family who are coming to Malibu from all over the world. We feel really blessed to have such a great support system.

E: Our vows. We wrote them recently and they're so good. After saying those words, I'll be on cloud 9 no matter how the rest of the day goes!

Thanks for reading! xoxo

Favorite Podcasts for Road Trips

I don't know why, but it look me a LONG time to get behind the idea of listening to podcasts in the car (or at all). It just was not appealing to me for a while. I had heard that there were all these great podcasts out there, and people seemed to really like them, but I felt like I would be bored.

Well, I finally opened my mind to this awesome medium a few years ago (mostly through Grace intentionally choosing podcasts for our drives), and today I want to share what some of our favorite podcasts have been for road trips! In my experience the best podcast recommendations have been through blogs or word-of-mouth, so I hope you find something new that you enjoy listening to. If you have suggestions you think Grace and I would like, I'd also love to hear them!

Here are some that we've gotten really into:

Generation Why - the two hosts get together and discuss a case or mystery each episode. They usually discuss famous/infamous murders, but they also discuss mysteries like the Titanic conspiracy theory (that they totally debunk), Princess Diana's death, and others. This is one of the few murder mystery podcasts Grace will listen to (because she wants to avoid parallel thinking for her show Murder with Friends), because it's a different-enough concept. That said, if you like her show, I'm sure you will love Generation Why.

Young House Love - actually, this is one that I'm just into on my own (I haven't had Grace listen to it but it's more my style than hers). It's a married couple who are somewhat of experts in home decor and renovations, and each episode they discuss common questions and new ideas related to those concepts. I was skeptical when I heard about this podcast--how can a non-visual medium deal with design and decor in an interesting way? But trust me, they really do! If you're at all interested in DIY, home decorating, etc., check out Young House Love.

Serial - this one kind of goes without saying, as it really revamped the whole podcast genre and was incredibly popular. I'm guessing you've already listened to it. If you haven't, this is a great introductions to podcasts and will convince you of how riveting they can be. Note: I tried listening to Season 2 and didn't like it, I'm sorry to say.

S-Town - initially along the same lines as Serial (same producers, I believe), S-Town is a captivating and wildly fascinating podcast. It's the first podcast Grace and I listened to on our Alaska trip, and we were both completely engrossed for hours. I will say, without giving anything away, the themes and topics were VERY different from what I was expecting, and very different from Serial. I promise, this one is worth listening to.

Criminal - this podcast has one of my favorite narrators, Phoebe Judge. Just love her voice. She discusses different crimes and a whole variety of things that somehow involve criminal justice (the theme is very broad). Every now and then there's an episode that's a miss for me, but most are hits. They're pretty short episodes, which is nice if you just have an average-length commute and want to hear a good story.

You Must Remember This - one of Grace's all-time favorites. It discusses the secrets and forgotten histories of Hollywood's first century. Grace is an old Hollywood fan and knows all the old movie stars' names, which I think most people have forgotten (which is kind of the theme You Must Remember This explores). If you are interested in old Hollywood, this is a great podcast.

In the Dark - Grace and I each (separately, on our commutes) recently listened to this podcast, and we agreed it was one of the most riveting we'd listened to in a long time--for us, up there with Serial and other "greats". It's been out for a couple of years, but I hadn't heard of it until recently. The subject matter is dark (as the name might suggest), but it's incredibly compelling and highlights an important area of criminal justice/social policy from a perspective I had never thought about. Season two (about a different case) is coming out next week, and I'm looking forward to listening.

Heaven's Gate - we listened to this podcast last weekend on our drive to Jamul (check out my recap of that trip here). Sometimes the narrator was a little cheesy or overly dramatic, but the basic topic (the Heaven's Gate cult and the mass suicide in San Diego) is SO interesting. I didn't know much at all about the cult, so I was hooked on this podcast and learned a lot about a strange little slice of history.

Honorable Mentions - these are a few that I wasn't glued to, but definitely still entertained us on our long Alaska drives (and I'm sure they're exactly someone else's cup of tea):

Up & Vanished - this podcast is about the disappearance of Georgia beauty queen Tara Grinstead. The story is horrifying and compelling, but the narrator just wasn't my favorite. We didn't end up listening to the end of this one. I also felt like there were entire episodes that didn't go anywhere and could have been cut out of the series. That said, if you have a particular interest in this case, the podcast goes really in-depth about it.

Someone Knows Something - kind of the same issue; slow podcast, not my favorite narrator. But again, very interesting case, and took place in Canada, where we were traveling at the time.

Missing & Murdered - we listened to this because it deals with Alberta Williams, who (it is suspected) was murdered on the "Highway of Tears." We drove the Highway of Tears (a highway in rural British Columbia where a high rate of women have gone missing and/or been murdered) for a couple of days on our Alaska trip, and--I have no idea why--we thought it would be "fun" to listen to a podcast about it. Well, we didn't get up getting scared, which goes to show you the podcast was a little dry. Side note - you can find out more about the Highway of Tears here. We felt perfectly safe our whole drive.

Happy podcast listening!

Happy Easter!

Happy Easter Sunday, friends! As I got up early this morning and walked Jellybean, watching him bound through fresh spring green grass taller than he is (ha!), I felt these words on my heart that I wanted to share in a short post.

Years ago, I heard this Easter message: "The worst thing is NEVER the last thing." That's what Easter is all about. Whether or not you celebrate Easter, I hope this is encouraging and hopeful for you.

Have a beautiful Easter Sunday!

When You Get the Blues After Getting a Dog

This is the truth: I got the blues after we adopted Jellybean. Bad. I was crying frequently, unsure if we'd made the wrong choice by adopting him, and honestly grieving my old life with just me, Grace, and Willie. I had a constant knot in my stomach worrying how this little crying baby would ever fit into our household and whether we'd ever have peace and quiet again!

Well, here's the reality 4 months later: I LOVE Bean and while my life and schedule has been altered since bringing him home, I also can't imagine things being any different now. And the other piece of that is that yes, puppies do learn. I feel like one minute we were in the thick of house training, worrying that our home would forever smell like urine, and the next minute I looked up and realized I can't even remember the last time Bean went to the bathroom in the house. Grace has been so patient and diligent in training him. We'd never trained basic commands before (because we always adopted older dogs who already knew them), and it turns out it's SO rewarding and astonishing how puppies learn.

Having Jellybean has taught me so much about how things grow. It might sound cheesy or hyperbolic, but watching a puppy grow is pure magic. Seeing with my own eyes these past few months that puppies grow, flowers bloom, wounds heal, and winter turns to spring has been so life giving and special for me.

I wrote once that Casper taught me that all things can be redeemed. I felt so privileged to get to witness his story, from abuse and neglect (and accompanying severe aggression) to the good life in his old age. He died more at peace than I think most humans can ever hope for. But in this new season of life raising Bean, I've learned about redemption all over again, in a different way. I've learned how a new being on this earth sees things and understands them for the first time, and how what seems like an annoying crying baby at first can turn your whole world upside down with love. 

The point of this post is to say this: you are not alone if you bring home a dog (or any pet) and wonder if you're regretting it! I just wanted to share my experience of post-adoption depression in the hopes that it might encourage someone who is going through it. I truly believe that for the vast majority of people, it is impossible to care for a living being and have it rely on you for sustenance and NOT fall in love with it. It's just a biological response. I'm sure there are exceptions, but give it enough time, and I really think that fears that you won't love a pet are unfounded in the end. How long? I'd honestly say it took Grace and me about a month to really love Bean. That's not to say we weren't sweet on him and didn't give him affection and take care of him during that time--of course we did. But to get to the point where I got so excited just to see him when I got home from work (in addition to Willie) and just wanted to scoop him up and kiss his snout all the time, it took a little while! I feel almost weird admitting that, but maybe it will help give someone hope who feels the same.

After talking to a few people who have adopted dogs, I realize how common this feeling is. Grace certainly had it when she first got Casper; she bonded with him quickly but wondered if she was in over her head. And it was hard to immediately love Willie, too, especially while we were grieving Casper at the same time. But I kind of think a puppy has an especially steep loving-curve, if you will. They might destroy things in your house, pee on your nice rug, bark and cry in the night, eat things that give them diarrhea, and generally be a terror. It's easy to miss your old life when things were simpler, and you could sleep in past 6:30! (at least I did). But if you fake it til you make it, I really do believe that your attachment to the dog will catch up with the dog's learning and bonding with you as well. And the good news is that the more bonded you are with the dog, the easier training becomes, because the dog already WANTS to please you. The dog loving YOU isn't always automatic, either! But a dog's love and needs are so simple that a mutual attachment and fierce love is, in my opinion and experience, all but inevitable. A month of waiting for the bond to fully take root will undoubtedly feel like a lifetime, but the years of precious memories and good times as a family are so worth it.

A Heart to Heart

On my phone notes app, I have a running list of ideas for blog posts. I got a bunch more ideas from the results of the Survey I recently did, and whenever I'm feeling stumped, I'll scroll through it and decide what to write about next. The idea for this post was most definitely not on the list--and it's not one that I really wanted to write, for reasons I'll explain here. Today I'm going to write about being gay.

Over the past few months I've noticed kind of a trend. I can see what people search for on my blog (it's anonymous, but I can just see the search terms through my analytics page), and pretty frequently people search gay/lesbian/lgbt or some variation on that. They might be surprised when nothing whatsoever comes up, other than a post on making a picnic for pride. That post could easily have been written by a straight girl who just likes rainbows. So far, on my blog, on Instagram, or anywhere else, I don't talk openly about being gay. And in my Survey results, several people asked if I would post some LGBT content. I read that and in my mind was like . . . nope! Not in my comfort zone. But it got me thinking that a lot of people coming to my blog might be gay and/or interested about the life Grace and I live from that perspective. We are so lucky to live in one of the most gay-friendly places on earth (West Hollywood, I love you forever), and I think it's even fascinating to people that we live our lives as a couple so openly. That said, I'm really not open at all through blogging or social media on this topic.

But I'm engaged to Grace, so it's not a secret. I just don't mention my identity in relation to that . . . I act like it's a foregone conclusion because of who I'm marrying (which, it basically is). Grace talks plenty about being gay, on TYT, on her Youtube channel, on Instagram, Twitter, everything. It's super normal for her and I think that's a big reason why people connect with her, because she lives so openly, can joke about it, and makes it so much fun. And it's not that I don't live openly; again, I'm totally public about the fact that I'm getting MARRIED to Grace. It doesn't get much gayer than that. But overall, I'm not really comfortable talking about "gay stuff." If someone I don't already know realizes that I'm gay, I'm instantly uncomfortable.

I honestly don't think some of my best friends know that I get uncomfortable in this way or would pick up on it. It's not as if I spend each day paranoid or that I'm ashamed of who I am, at all. But at the same time, I mostly would really just prefer to act like my identity as a gay person doesn't exist. If it comes up, I usually dismiss it with something like, "oh, that's the least interesting thing about me." I'm SO proud to be getting married to Grace. I've known I wanted to marry her since I was 21 years old. To me, she is perfect, and when we are out together or living our lives, any insecurities melt away. But it's when I'm alone, or here on my own corner of the internet, that I don't feel like I show much (or any) pride in my identity. I act like it doesn't exist.

And to be fair, I got some really sweet comments in my Survey about how refreshing it is to see a gay couple that does act like it's just normal, and "not a thing." That's exactly what I want--to be normal. And I think it's a huge part of why I've been pretty silent on this front on my blog. But I don't feel like that's right anymore, just to pretend I'm normal when obviously I'm different. To explain where I'm coming from, and where I'm hoping to move forward, I have to start wayyy back, at least 10 or 15 years ago.

I realized I was gay early in high school, when I was about 15 and had never been on a date or had a real kiss or anything like that. I went to an all girls school in the South. I have to preface what I'm about to write with this caveat: I have some of the BEST friends out of high school/growing up, but literally only about 4 of them that I've talked to in years. 

But. Aside from a few shining examples of sweet friendships, I had a really bad high school experience. I was so depressed, and secretive, and fell into being "weird" when that's not me at all. Anyone who knows me now, knows that living a sweet, simple, fairly conventional life is what I'm happy doing. Being honest, being a good friend, loving my (soon to be) spouse and my dogs, and being close with my family are some of my most important core values. But you wouldn't have thought that had you known me in high school.

In my small school, I confided in a couple of people, and soon the rumor mill started churning. I was outed and gossiped about. I remember hearing that one girl in particular, who I didn't even really know but who was very "cool" at my school, was telling everyone that I was gay. I was so anxious and upset about it, and mulling over what to do, I decided to send her a message saying that I was uncomfortable with everyone knowing and asking her to stop. She flat out said no. Everyone is gossiped about in high school, so I don't expect anyone to have sympathy for me on that front alone. But it's hard to describe how isolating and horrible it felt to know that everyone was making judgments about me, based on something I didn't fully understand about myself, in a medium-conservative area of the country where I didn't know a single openly gay person. It's not even that I think girls at my school were saying to each other that I was going to hell, or that they didn't want to ever talk to me, or anything like that. People weren't, for the most part, outright mean. And some were even nice to me and not judgmental. But it was the instantaneous "different" label slapped on me from then on that really hurt me. Never to chat with my friends over lunch about who I had a crush on, like everyone else. Never to take a "real" date to prom or school dances (I usually took my gay guy friend who was an awesome dancer, bless him). Never to just be ordinary, unremarkable . . . always slightly scandalous. Which is the antithesis of what I wanted to be. Because I was secretive of my identity (even though everyone knew, it's not like I could openly talk about it), I became secretive about everything. I would lie about things I had no reason to lie about. I started dressing differently, in a way that wasn't my style at all. I got bad grades. People thought I was doing drugs or something. I was glad if they did, because it meant the focus was on something other than the fact that I was a big, fat, lesbian.

I want to point out that I have an extremely loving, amazing family, who are currently helping me plan the wedding of my dreams to my future WIFE. Pinch me, I'm so happy. But, sadly, during high school I wasn't open with them at all, either. I had no one to talk to, and everything I did felt shady. I have such a pit in my stomach remembering that time in my life. It's just so not me. I felt like I matured slower than my peers during this time, too. I couldn't experience the normal high school rituals of dating, staying out past curfew, "typical" high school drama, getting invited to dances or other functions, or anything like that. I'm embarrassed because I felt like I acted so immature during high school because of all of this, but I also just sometimes, even now, sit down and cry for that girl who never got to be normal or experience growing up and coming of age in a way that could be happy and carefree.

A lot of this isn't anyone's fault. And looking back, my high school life was actually charmed compared to so many people's. I wasn't kicked out of my house. I wasn't assaulted or killed because of a hate crime. I didn't try to kill myself. Those are good, and (sadly) lucky, things. But without comparing my story to anyone else's, I was just plain unhappy. 

Things got a lot better when I went to college. I went through phases, grew up a lot, made incredible friends, and just became so much more of who I am. And then at the end of college I met Grace. Right around this time I decided to move to California for law school, and by coincidence, Grace was moving to California, too. We dated for the first few years I lived out here and I was happier than I'd ever been. California was my Promised Land. I don't hate North Carolina even a little bit. And I don't think I would be openly discriminated against there. But it was my desperation to be normal that drove me to California, where I could be around more people "like me."

Fast forward to the end of law school. I knew that Grace and I would probably be getting engaged within the next year or two. And we'd finally not be long-distance anymore (we were six hours apart for the first three years we dated). And right around that time, I had a major meltdown. I knew that I was meant to marry Grace. But I had this realization wash over me that I'd never known a married gay couple in my life. That my own wedding would be the first gay wedding I'd ever attend. That I didn't "know how to do it." That I had no role models. I remember in Spring of 2016, right before I graduated from Berkeley, visiting Grace in LA. We drove up to the Malibu mountains (coincidentally not at all far from where we're getting married in 6 months) to watch the sunrise. I'd written Grace a letter pouring my heart out on all of this . . . that I was so deeply sad that I had no mentors or role models in my life who "looked like me." That I felt unprepared to become a family. That I wanted it but didn't know how. And as Grace read the letter I cried my eyes out on that mountaintop. Grace listened, and heard me, and dried my eyes. I sobbed, "you know that quote, 'if you can't see it, you can't be it'?" It's a quote about needing role models and the importance of visibility and representation. It resonated so strongly with me. But Grace just said, "if we can't see it, then WE have to be it. For the next person."

Just to back up, I'm not trying to act like we're pioneers or something, or that we're the first gay people to get married. We're SO lucky that others have pioneered before us. But what I'm getting at, and what was troubling me, is just visibility within our own circles. As much as I might know that plenty of gay couples get married and start families all the time in theory, I personally don't know any (at least very well). I couldn't really think of a single family in my life that looked like what my future family might look like. So it's not about us going where no one had gone before, but just about meaningful mentorship and role models within our own personal lives. I'm not sure if others can relate, but that was just a big sticking point for me.

Well, you know how the rest of the story goes. Grace and I did get engaged, and even though yes, our wedding will be the first gay wedding either of us has been to, we're feeling good about making it a celebration with nods to tradition but that's also uniquely "us." I still sometimes get teary-eyed about the years I lost being sad, feeling different, and not loving myself well. And I think after being outed, I've for years wanted to kind of reclaim my privacy. Of course, I post pictures with Grace all the time, so I'm not being secretive. But I am generally private about my identity or even about calling myself gay, especially online. I don't know if I'll start talking about myself differently after writing all of this out, or if anything will change other than this post being out there on the internet. I don't think it really needs to. It's also not as if the pain I felt for years is instantly healed. I am still working through forgiveness and letting go of the past. I don't think I could ever bring myself to attend a high school reunion, but I'm not sure why I would ever want to anyway. Part of healing is realizing that while some parts of my life were dark, there is so much LIGHT in my life now--why turn back toward the shadows? But I did think it was worth explaining all of this, for anyone who might be wondering about my story or why, until now, a search of the word "gay" on my blog would have returned no results. I'm proud of who I am and more than anything, of the little family I'm starting with Grace. I cry tears of happiness all the time just driving home from work or having a good conversation with Grace over dinner. My cup runneth over. But I know for almost every gay person out there, there's always the "back story." For anyone who's still in the thick of it (I'm definitely not immune to feeling different, by the way), hang in there. If you want to talk, you can always Contact me through my blog inquiries page.

xoxo

HDWD Survey Results

Thank you SO much to everyone who took my Have Dog, Will Drive survey! My dream when starting this blog was that I would be able to engage with people and not just write into a vacuum. It was so fun to see where people are reading from, their favorite types of posts, and ideas/requests for new content! That was the most eye-opening part--I got responses of ideas for posts that were really inspiring and that I wouldn't have thought to write myself.

Just a pic of a small little bean in his big brother's bed

In case it's interesting to anyone else, I thought I would share some of the survey results here! They were overall a really big mix. For example, there wasn't one primary place people are reading from, which I thought was so cool. I got a decent amount of answers from the South and California, but there were also a ton from Europe, the UK, Canada, New England, and the Midwest. 

In terms of the types of post people most enjoy seeing, these were consistently the three categories people picked most:

• Getaways
• How-To's
• Personal

I would say that's pretty representative of my blog content, so that's good! But at the same time, I don't want to stay stagnant here, which is why I LOVED getting so many ideas for new posts. Here's a few that people suggested:

• More dog/road trip content (stick to my roots, got it)
• More thoughts and feelings on life (not sure if you REALLY want that, but I'll give it a shot, haha!)
• A day in the life post (love this idea, will do soon)
• More cooking/recipe posts (though some people also said they don't like that type of post, so I'll try to strike a balance)
• LGBT content
• Wedding planning (new post coming soon)
• Decorating and hosting tips
• What it takes to get a blog started (I'm still learning, but would gladly share what's worked for me!)
• Quick getaways in Southern California
• Organization posts
• Long distance relationships (both family and romantic--I think this is a great idea because I have TONS of experience on both fronts)
• Life in LA
• How faith life intersects with the things I write about
• General lifestyle posts
• Pros and cons of traveling with a dog and how to decide whether or not to bring them
• Tips and budgeting for trips
• A travel post from Willie and/or Bean's perspective (such a cute idea!)

I think these are all such great suggestions and I'm feeling super motivated to get to work on them! My ultimate goal with this blog is to make it helpful and interesting for people, so even though the survey is done, you can ALWAYS contact me with specific questions about road trips or life. You can also feel free to comment with requests for new posts! One of the most challenging parts about blogging is coming up with content that people actually want to read, so I could use all the help I can get and really appreciate getting insight from people. Again, thank you for taking the survey if you did, and you can expect posts in many of the above categories over the next few months!

Some January roses I spotted on a walk in our neighborhood a couple of weeks ago :)

Happy New Year!

Happy New Year from Have Dog, Will Drive! I hope you had a safe and meaningful NYE last night (if you're reading this on January 1) and a great start to 2018!

Yesterday, Grace and I went to our favorite beach in Malibu to watch the last sunset of 2017, and then we went over to some friends' house to ring in the new year. It was also our first time taking Bean to the beach! He LOVED it and it was so much fun seeing the beach and ocean through a puppy's eyes.

I want to share a few photos from last night and also some thoughts on 2018 goals generally.  I'll probably write a January goals post in the next few days, but for now I'm still working through them.

Bean's first time touching the ocean! So funny

Rather than strict goals for 2018, I'm setting guideposts and then making those overarching ideas happen through monthly, daily, and weekly goals. Some of my "guideposts" for 2018 are:

• Dream and pray about big, "impossible" ideas
• Celebrate each quarter (4 times a year do something really special to celebrate what I've accomplished in that period)
• Marry Grace in a way that points to what matters most
• Take better care of myself physically, using small steps to start
• Get back to careful budgeting and financial stewardship (I used to be really good about this but have gotten lazy!)

And, a big area of goal setting and achieving for me is in growing this blog! Having only been blogging for 8 months, I'm really inspired and encouraged by the process and I've learned so much. I also have been LOVING reading the responses I've gotten to my Reader Survey! (You can still take it if you haven't already). Thank you so much if you've already taken it. My next post is going to share some of the results I've gotten, which are really interesting and insightful. I can't wait to make 2018 HDWD's best year yet :)

I'd love to hear about your 2018 goals, guideposts, or dreams! And now, back to pictures of doggos and sunsets:

Wishing you a sweet new year with the people and animals you love!

Have Dog, Will Drive: Year In Review + READER SURVEY!

2017 has looked so different than I expected. When 2016 turned into 2017, I was just dating Grace, we had a dog named Casper, I lived in a little studio apartment in West Hollywood, I worked for the federal government, and I was not anywhere close to writing a blog about my life. 

Now, as I'm reflecting on all the year held, I'm realizing just how much changed. I am engaged to Grace, with only 7 months until our wedding. We held Casper as he passed away in our arms this summer, and we have since adopted two more dogs, Willie and Bean. I moved out of my apartment and Grace and I started living together for the first time--we live in the cutest little two bedroom house (planning to share lots more about our house in 2018), and I moved into private practice with my job. And, I started Have Dog, Will Drive in May! A year ago, I honestly was not thinking about starting a blog AT ALL. The idea kind of popped into my head this Spring and within a week, I'd bought the domain name and was up and running. Grace gave me some really good advice, and I shared it with the world a little while later. It has become my favorite hobby and something I get so much joy out of. I've received messages and comments from people I never would have met otherwise, and I LOVE connecting with people who are interested in the type of stuff I write about. It's just so cool :) By the way, if you've never introduced yourself, feel free to Contact me! I seriously would love it.

Although I firmly believe that there is nothing magical about January 1, at the same time I love commemorating occasions and reflecting on what's good, and what can change. So in that spirit, I wanted to share some stats about Have Dog, Will Drive in its first year and favorite memories. Finally, at the end of this post, you'll find a link to a survey about what you'd like to see more of on Have Dog, Will Drive. I'd be so grateful if you'd fill it out! 

2017 was a really sweet first year for Have Dog, Will Drive

It reached over 11,000 page views

People from every state in the US were reading

Readers tuned in from every continent except Antarctica

• Some of the countries with the biggest readership outside of the US were: 
  • Canada
  • United Kingdom
  • Ireland
  • Germany
  • Australia
  • New Zealand
  • Finland

Most Popular Post: The Life of Casper (runners up: Planning the Drive from California to Alaska and Back; Meet Grace)

Longest-Running Series (Category): It's a tie between Getaways and LA to Alaska Road Trip

Most Fun Post for Me to Write and Document: Probably The Making of Red Rover but also, it's hard to beat Engaged in Alaska!

This has been the best journey and I can't wait for all that is to come! It is so encouraging and exciting to think about how much has changed from a year ago--and how much I could be surprised by the time the next year rolls around.

Lastly, I would so appreciate if you would fill out this short six-question survey. I hope to make Have Dog, Will Drive even better in 2018, and your help and input makes that possible!

CLICK HERE TO TAKE THE SURVEY

The Making of Red Rover

I can't put into words how excited I am that Grace's new song and video has now been shared with the world! She released it yesterday after having kept it mostly "secret" for months. Red Rover is the name of the song, and it will be part of an E.P. coming soon! If you haven't seen the music video yet, watch it below:

You might notice a familiar face in the video . . . it's true, Grace convinced me to play a role in the video and to be honest it was so much fun. I was very hesitant initially but what made it so comfortable and easy was that literally every person involved in this song and video--from recording the song, to storyboarding the music video, to filming, to editing, to hair and makeup--is one of our dear friends. Grace and I are lucky to have such talented and generous friends here in LA, and working with them on this music video was a dream! Here is a rundown of the people involved in this project:

Original song written and performed by Grace Baldridge

Music recorded at our friends Jack and Zack's studio, Big Bad Sound

Video directed by Irina Nichita 

Produced by Amir Nikoui (he is also the executive producer for Grace's shows on TYT!)

Filmed and Edited by Mary Ignatova 

Hair and Makeup (and general cheerleader on set) by Tina Tozzi

 and finally, Craft Services and "Acting" by yours truly.

About to start filming in downtown West Hollywood

If you're like me, you know nothing about producing any kind of professional-level video, but thankfully these people are in the business and pulled it off seamlessly. I am still in awe of what they were able to create, and I thought it would be fun to share a little behind-the-scenes today! Also, we did take a road trip with Willie while filming, so this was a very on-brand music video shoot for Have Dog, Will Drive.

Believe it or not, this entire video was shot in two (very long) days. Because our "crew" was only 6 people including Grace and me, it was all hands on deck at all times! We all helped with things like setting up lighting and arranging props. Fun fact, I found myself in the middle of the desert digging a hole for a fire pit at one point:

But backing up, here's how the weekend went:

On Saturday morning, the crew showed up at my apartment to film the bedroom scene as well as the final scene where I close the spell book. Seeing lighting equipment, huge cameras, and monitors in my apartment was pretty wild! Irina talked to Tina about what kind of "look" she wanted for this scene, and Tina did Grace's and my hair and makeup based on that.

We used a metal C-stand to create the look of a sheet-fort over the bed. While filming this scene, Amir was about 2 feet away from us holding a fan to create some movement, haha! We were all in very close quarters. Also, the weekend we shot the video was the hottest of the whole summer--about 100 degrees. We were totally wiped out by the end of it from the heat, and staying hydrated was a big priority throughout the shoots.

Next we shot the scene where I throw the roses at Grace. Willie was nearby the whole time acting very mischievous and distracting us! A fun fact from this scene was that we only had one bouquet of roses and I threw them about 10 times until we got the perfect shot. I guess we could have gone and bought more roses, but we were working on kind of a tight schedule. So each time after I threw the roses, we would carefully collect them from the ground, pick out any crushed petals, and reassemble the bouquet so that I could throw it again.

After that, we headed to downtown West Hollywood to film the scene with the teddy bear. We wanted to wait until dusk, so we killed some time by all getting frozen yogurt at Yogurt Stop--if you haven't been, it's an amazing gay-themed fro-yo place in West Hollywood. 

Tina and me goofing around in front of the rainbow wall at Yogurt Stop

Filming the scene where Grace gives me the teddy bear was probably the time where I had to "act" the most, because it had to look like I was actually surprised by the bear but also laughing at how cheesy it was. In the end, almost none of that made it into the video, but it was a fun/interesting exercise. Also, Mary came prepared with about 5 different bears in case we needed to swap them out (particularly when we burned them later in the desert fire), which she referred to as "doppelbears."

The next day, Sunday, was desert day! First we went to Tina's house to get our hair and makeup done. We then drove out to the Lucerne Valley Desert, about 2 hours Northeast of LA, to shoot the desert scenes. Grace and I listened to Red Rover in the car on the way there to get into the right "vibe" for the shoot :)

En route to the filming location

Our base camp for the desert shoot

We were out in the desert for several hours, and it was HOT. The only time I was in a scene was right at sunset, so leading up to that I was in charge of keeping everyone fed and hydrated (which I lovingly called my Craft Services job). I also was the celebrity dog handler, keeping Willie and Mia (Amir and Irina's adorable Frenchie) safe in the shade and drinking plenty of water.

My Craft Services lunch spread for our crew

Willie and Mia keeping cool in the shade under the trailer

As the sun started to sink lower, we worked on the more "dramatic" desert scenes. We had to dig a pit for the fire ring and collect rocks to set it up. We really did burn all of the objects (rest in peace teddy bear), which made me really nervous because I didn't want to start a wildfire! Just to clarify, we made the fire in an area where we were allowed to do so, and other than it being hot, there weren't any conditions that would make it unsafe to have a fire. We weren't irresponsible about it. But that said, it was still a little nerve-wrecking to be burning all of the items from the video. Especially because we only got one take for each! 

When it came time for my scene in the white dress, we only had about 5 minutes of sunset to work with. Amir was using a leaf blower to create the effect of wind. And with every step I was wincing in pain because I was stepping on thorny sand spurs! Ouch. I think I complained to Grace about it the whole drive home. Ultimately, I don't think those things showed through in the video, so it all turned out fine. Also, for anyone who's curious, Amir created the effect where I disappear by putting a pink scarf over the end of the leaf blower and then letting go so that the scarf flew in front of the camera. Mary then edited the video so that I wasn't standing there anymore once the scarf flew by.

Here are some more behind-the-scenes glimpses:

Grace with our glamorous director, Irina

Grace freestyling in between takes

Touching up hair and makeup before filming my scene

Some more trivia and stories from filming:

I purchased both the nightgown from the bedroom scene and the white dress from the desert scene the day before shooting. The nightgown was $4.99 at Goodwill, and the white dress was also inexpensive, from Forever 21. I tried on a few long white dresses in the store and texted photos to Tina, Grace, and Irina, and they unanimously agreed on the one I ended up wearing. All of the other clothes I wore in the video were things I already had. You'll notice that I exclusively wear white or light colors in the video, while Grace wears black. That's a pretty good representation of our real-life wardrobes, too, so it wasn't hard!

The spellbook is actually a personal family heirloom of mine. You might notice in the video that the title of the book is "Mrs. Beeton's Savouries and Hors D'Oeuvres." Beeton isn't my last name, but one side of my family is the Beeton Family, and my family on both sides is from England through and through. "Mrs. Beeton's" was a series of English books on household management and cooking, and most of the women in my family have a copy of these now out-of-print books. My godmother gave me my copy. Grace and the crew thought it had the perfect "look" of a spellbook, because it's authentically very old and well-loved. If any of my family is reading this, don't worry--we took great care of the book during filming!

On the drive home from the desert, Grace and I were craving ice cream or milkshakes and said out loud how perfect it would be if we passed a Sonic. I have never seen a Sonic in California (I know they exist but they aren't common where we live). Well lo and behold, about 30 minutes into our drive we passed a Sonic and started screaming and pulled over. However when we drove up to where you order, there was a huge sign saying they were out of ice cream and milkshakes! It was a cruel twist of fate. (If you're worried, we ended up stopping somewhere else for shakes about 15 minutes later, haha!)

Ever since we wrapped filming, I have been so excited to see what Mary would create through the process of editing all of the raw footage from the weekend. I couldn't be happier with the result. I'm so proud of Grace and of our friends. Keep an eye out for the full E.P. soon!